Lonely, but on purpose kinda sorta?

Seeing Tim last night at the Rocky Horror Picture Show live staging was in retrospect, nice. It’s not like we hate each other’s guts, and we’re still friends even though we don’t see or speak that often.

I think I overreacted a little at first, especially because he was with his girlfriend (who, by the way, is no plain Jane). But we chatted a little bit after the show, and he’s doing really well with school and stuff in Waterloo. So good. :)

But Darcy, possessing the keen insight that she does, could tell I was…affected, even just a little. It’s not easy seeing someone you used to care about a LOT with another person! To be honest, it kind of had me really down on the fact that I’m not dating anyone.

…But Darcy, possessing the keen insight that she does, reminded me WHY I’m not dating anyone else right now…because I’m dating myself. Getting to know my ins and outs more, spending time on becoming more comfortable with who and how I am, doing a little soul searching.

And that’s great! Adding all the drama of having a significant other in the mix right now…it’d be a little much. So bumps to Darcy for keeping me focused and on the path to a better me!

An EXperience…

Oh no. Oh no no no!!

I’m at the RHPS with Darcy, and as it turns out I’m not the only one…

TIM is here. Tim, as in my EX Tim? And he’s not alone…it looks like the girl he’s with is a pretty good friend of his too, wink wink, nudge nudge.

But why here, of ALL the places?! Tim and I are on good terms but it’s still kind of a bummer seeing him with someone else…

Aaand yep, now he’s seen me. Gotta go say hello to the happy couple…

Sigh…

Weird FTW!

Today was kinda a weird day…but not a bad day!

When I got up this morning, I was still thinking about Tim and was REALLY tempted to call him. But what would I have said?

“Hi Tim…just thinking a lot about you and feeling some serious regret…no big deal. Oh, do I want a relationship with you? Uh, I don’t even know actually. Sorry to waste your time!”

OR…

“Sure, I’d love to meet your new girlfriend! (not!)”

And then my decision to NOT call him was confirmed when I read a few comments on my blog! Thanks so much for your help PhantomObserver and SexyNerdReader! You guys really helped a girl out. How’d you get so wise?

ANYWAYS, what I did instead was go out with Kumar again! And it was really fun! Okay, so I broke my rule and talked about Tim, and he talked about his ex…but I think that’s okay. This is only the beginning and if this is what’s happening…then this is what’s happening and that’s okay by me. We talked about other stuff too, and it was really comfortable. A comfort level that might have come from talking so much about our damned exes! (Pardon my Français…)

So I’m excited to see Kumar again, and maybe one day I’ll contact Tim…but not today!

 

Pathetic fallacy

Feeling a little literary today…but also a little depressed. The sky is grey, the air is a little chilly, and it has been drizzling on and off…is my mood affecting the weather, or is the weather affecting my mood?

Ever since my date on Thursday I’ve been feelin’ a little blue. Me and Kumar talked a lot about our past relationships, and especially about what happened between me and Tim.

Not gonna lie…talking about Tim made me really miss him and what we had together. I wonder sometimes if I made a mistake in breaking up with him. After all, Waterloo isn’t that far away… I might’ve could’ve made it work!

Bah. :(

Hereafter

So I told Tim.

…I told Tim that I want to completely break off any kind of relationship I have with him. Completely.

*exhales*

And, I told Tim I wanted zero communication with him for the next month…

For the next month, at the VERY LEAST…

I told him that I’m sorry, but that cutting off communication entirely is the only way I think I will be able to get over him…

On Saturday night Claire, Darcy and I talked about it, then I thought about it a LOT yesterday, and something hit me that REALLY made sense. If I keep trying to be friends with Tim, and think it’s going to get better without time apart, I’m always going to wonder if a new inside joke between us is a sign that we should give it another try… or every time Tim tells me about a new girl he met I’m going to wonder if she’s a better fit for him then I was…

This sucks, it REALLY sucks, but at least Tim understood where I was coming from.

You know, I feel like I’ve really grown as a person over the last year…and I’m even thinking it may have something to do with putting myself out there in a totally new way, with writing my vlogs, you know? I’ve been exposed to SO many people and SO many opinions, and it’s really made me a more well rounded person. :)

…I keep thinking about this time last year…I was sorta running around dating different people totally casually, and I was TOTALLY cool with that. And in a lot of ways I still am, I mean, I’ll ALWAYS be cool with people expressing their love for each other in any way that’s natural for them…but what I guess I’m trying to say is, maybe MY feelings are starting to have a bit more weight to them.

I think I’m reflecting on the things that happen to me a little bit more than I used to. Like last year, I ran into an ex in Mexico over New Year’s, an ex who REALLY hurt me… but I tried to make the best out of it, and although that TOTALLY worked out for the best, I’m not so sure I’d do the same thing this time around…

I don’t know if that’s good or bad, maybe I’m just in a funk right now. It’s a really sad day, I’ve been over thinking things a bit…

Or maybe, I’m just getting a little bit older. And learning about heartbreak is something everyone has to go through in order to grow as a person. Whether or not that’s happy or sad depends entirely on how you see the world.

After all, how can you love yourself, love everyone, if you don’t know what it’s like to lose something you treasure?

I’m glad I see the world as a wonderful place. :)

Thanks Awkward Turtles

*cringe*

…So last night, I ended up going to a movie with Guy and Nisha…and Tim.

That was THE MOST AWKWARD movie I have EVER been too! I’m honestly cringing  just thinking about how awkward that was.

Tim and I met up beforehand  and went for a walk. Our walk was pretty much silent, but to be honest I kinda expected that…but I thought having Guy and Nisha around would break up the tension a bit.

Ohhhh how could I be more wrong?!?

Guy didn’t say ONE WORD to Tim ALL NIGHT! Guy is loyal to the bone, and he’s never really the first person to forgive someone, and I guess Guy was still pissed at Tim for hurting me…and that actually REALLY sucks, because Guy and Tim used to get along quite well! And Nisha is always pretty quiet, and I wasn’t really my usual talkative self…so the whole night was strangely silent.

Did I mention we went to go see a silent film? Hmpf.

Well, I have to say, I’m just glad we saw a movie…even if it was a silent one… instead of deciding to go out for dinner or anything like that… at least we were in a situation where no one really HAD to talk!

Or worse! What if we went BOWLING?! If I have one saving grace, it’s that my night wasn’t spent at a silent, awkward bowling party…

I’m feeling pretty unsettled today from last night’s hangout. So, I’ve decided I’m gonna call Tim and ask him to get together tomorrow night. I want to see if anything gets less weird and more comfortable between us…

I’ve also decided to call a friend for advice. Actually, I’ve decided to call two friends! And Claire and Darcy both agreed we three should hang out tonight and talk about my situation…

Girls night!

Accentuate the Positive

Hmpf.

I know I was MIA yesterday, but I was feeling pretty uneasy all day…the whole Tim thing…

He kept calling me yesterday, and for the first part of the day I REALLY just tried to IGNORE the calls, I’m still really hurt…and I didn’t know how to deal with the situation.

But after a while, I decided that I can’t ignore my problems forever, and so eventually I called him back…

And I was really honest with him. I told Tim that he really hurt me. And that I felt like he gave me the impression BEFORE anything happened between us, even BEFORE he visited, that he still had feelings for me too…like real feelings. Not casual ones. And I told him this really sucked for me, because I thought we were BOTH in this awkward in between stage, you know, like even though we weren’t together, our relationship wasn’t *done* yet…does that make sense?

…it was a pretty sad conversation, but Tim made a good point after I let out everything I had to say- it was my idea to see other people in the first place!

“Val. You’re this super social, beautiful person and I know you have NO trouble meeting lots people who are interested in you, so when you tell me that we should see other people, what am I supposed to think? I hate that I hurt you, but to be honest this whole time I felt like I was trying to catch up to your speed.”

Yeesh.

But I’m glad I got to see things from Tim’s perspective, and that made me REALLY understand how he must have felt this whole time a lot more… I guess when I found out he’s been seeing other people, I felt like he must have not even been thinking about me this whole time, while I’ve sorta been thinking about him everyday…but now that I know he was still thinking about me, well, it gives me some comfort.

So we made up. Sorta… and we agreed to hang out tonight. I think we’re gonna catch a movie or something, maybe with Guy and Nisha, to make it a little more friendly and less intense.

I am going to try to make the best out of it. :)

Playing phone games

One missed call on my phone. Who from?

Tim.

Talking with Guy about everything yesterday made me calm down a bit over the whole Tim situation this weekend. But I still don’t want to talk to him at all. At. All.

Not yet, anyway.

On the other hand, I’ve been thinking about Adam. Well, not so much about him, but about the message he left asking how my Valentine’s Day was. I wasn’t really intending to return the call, but…maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing? I don’t know.

Not yet, anyway…

Guy Sideki: Pinnacle of Reason

Guy and I have been talking a LOT today…and it never ceases to amaze me how Guy can be so stupid sometimes but so intelligent and perceptive at others. :)

I gave him the shitshow rundown of my weekend with Tim and we sort of got into talking about human nature and how it all works (BSG is a good show for this, btw).

We agreed that anyone who takes advantage of someone else is a bad person…i.e. Tim. But then, did Tim do it on purpose? I don’t know…it’s so unlike him to do something like that, I can’t help but think he didn’t mean to.

Still though, it happened. And then when he said he still had feelings for me after I said I have feelings for him…was that reciprocal? Just like getting caught and saying you love someone after they say they love you? I don’t know!!

I do know that I’m still really angry and hurt by Tim’s actions…but Guy says I’m too trusting. Am I? I always look for the good in people because there’s always some there, but…am I projecting my feelings onto Tim and then getting upset when it doesn’t work out?

Maybe. He also brought up the fact that it’s interesting how I proposed Tim and I see other people in the first place…and now it’s clearly bugging me. That was hard to hear even though I probably needed to hear it.

AGH, I just wish I knew what to do here! Why doesn’t life come with a guidebook??